The Chip
In 2022, I wrote a regular monthly column for the local paper, the Gainesville Sun, until the Sun decided to cut the Opinion section. I don’t think it was my writing that drove them to cut it! I put out an album with guerrilla monzón and even got us together to play a live show. I prepped another album from my old band Oh No & The Tiger Pit for a release next year (more on that later). I did things!
The chip says otherwise.
I helped to organize a pro-housing group in Gainesville. I even got appointed to the city plan board. I did things!
The chip says I could have done more.
I did two road trips up and down the east coast with my family, I went to two weddings, danced with friends and family, laughed, cried, ate, drank, hugged. I cooked a lot of meals for friends and family. I put more than 1,000 miles on my e-bike, riding my kids in the back and turning even boring errands into an adventure. I did things!
The chip asks that’s it?
I’ve long had this feeling that I’m not doing enough. I’m not living enough in every way that a person can live. And yes, that’s technically true. I could do more. We all can do more. It’s the chip on my shoulder. The one that keeps saying “not good enough.” The chip is there at all times pushing me to max out my potential, or what it thinks my potential is, at all times. And damn if that chip isn’t exhausting.
There are days when it feels like I don’t do anything. I know that’s not true. I’m working my day job. I’m taking care of my family. I’m doing things. But the chip says why not a podcast, why not write more music, why have you let this musical thread leave your head without recording it, why haven’t you written down lyrics, why aren’t you playing shows, why aren’t you exercising more, why aren’t you taking more photos, making art, writing more, meeting with more people, learning more, reading more books, reading more in general, cleaning your house more, going through some old piles of things, donating more, volunteering more, playing more basketball, traveling more, teaching. Why aren’t you doing and being more of everything?
My response is usually meek and starts with an apology and ends with excuses. Well, I’m sorry but you see, I’m busy or I’m tired or have you tried raising two young kids, it’s exhausting or I’ll get to it tomorrow or but that tweet was pretty funny or but I couldn’t stop watching that game or I needed to get some sleep to function. These are mostly valid excuses too. So valid, they’re not even really excuses. They’re just part of life.
And this is where I stop feeling bad about not satisfying the chip. I realized, finally after a good 20 years, what I had been doing for so long. I’m hard on myself because I see what I could be at 100% and it’s such an enticing vision. It’s also bullshit. I would burn myself out real quick. In taking out time to do all those creative and seemingly fun things the chip tells me I ought to be doing, I’d be spending less time with my family. It’s not worth it. I have a difficult time thinking of many things that are worth taking time away from my family.
I want to say fuck the chip, but it does help guard against a descent into mediocrity or worse. Instead I’ll throw the chip a bone every now and again, but I’m learning to live with the bastard, learning to push at just the right moments for the right projects without becoming overwhelmed. I’ll get to those creative things because I want to do them, not because I feel like have to do them to prove something to myself or some imaginary voice. Starting with this post.
This post won’t satisfy the chip.